House Party (May 4, 2020) - Promos

Louis Blackwater
It’s night. A few candles burn behind a wide-eyed Louis Blackwater, recording himself from his phone in portrait mode within his shed in the Catskills Mountains.

Blackwater: Hi. I asked them to send a camera guy but they said he wasn’t home, so I’m doing it myself. It’s fine. I’m not even mad! Really! This whole being a good guy shit has got me fucked up. In a good way! I mean -

He gets up and throws the shitty door open, looking out into the moonlit woods.

Blackwater: Look at this.

He begins digging up dirt near the front door.

Blackwater: Reward money, baby!

A few glass bottles begin to unearth. He pulls out a value-sized wine bottle and shakes off the dirt.

Blackwater: Got about 30 of these buried here, and I’ve got my weed growing just over - I’ve said too much.

He cuts himself off and takes a big swig of wine.

Blackwater: Dutch has been taking this whole heroism thing pretty rough too. I’ll let him tell you about that though. What I will say is I can’t wait to meet up with Dutch again at House Party so we can kick Gen Mex’s fuckin asses all the way back to Mexico. From Canada! That’s even farther than doing it from America, you know.

Blackwater suddenly flicks a pocket knife open out of nowhere.

Blackwater: Because now that I’ve had a taste of the good life, nothing will stop me from being a good person. You got that, Mil? And what’s his name, Ray? Me and Dutch are gonna fuck your fucking shit up. And then the party is just gonna keep on going.

Blackwater awkwardly puts his phone down to use both hands and puts it down in landscape mode, turning the video sideways. He takes the knife and tries to do the sword champagne bottle opening trick thing, but it’s a wine bottle that’s already been open and he’s using a pocket knife. The blade clinks off the mouth of the bottle a few times and he gives up. He takes his phone and continues recording sideways.

Blackwater: Yeah, well, go fuck yourselves Gen Mex.

Video abruptly ends.

Mark Dutch
We look over a city from a high vantage point. It’s night time and the feint lights of cars driving around can be seen from this point.

Dutch: The WiR is in dire need of heroes.

Dutch has made his voice sound as deel as it could, which sounds as if he has been smoking strong tabacco for 50 years with no end on sight. Behind him rests a sealed up gymbag, the shopping tag still on it.

Dutch: But not everyone is cut out to be one. The path to evil is easier. It requires less morals. I would know.. i’ve been one.

We cut to a shot of Dutch, kneeled down as he stares across the city from a hill.

Dutch: I have been weak for many years, listening to those who needed my help and ignored them, thinking that would be the path to success, but i was wrong. Oh so wrong.

Dutch stares forward, not moving in the slight bit as he looks across the city.

Dutch: With the men and women the people looked up to now turning against them, they look for heroes in the corners where they didn’t look before. They look to those who they once feared.. with hope. They looked for Blackwater and me to do what is right. I made my mistakes, but I learned from them. I had to know how to be evil in order to kill it.

Dutch stands up straight, still facing towards the city as he lets out a large sigh.

Dutch: We must work our way up to destroy all who seek to start anarchy. This starts with Generation Mex. Two men who hide behind masks to not show the world the dents in their foreheads from when their mothers dropped them on it. Well..

Dutch turns around, opening the gymbag behind him. The camera turns away as we hear the zipping of the bag, along with a little fumbling.

Dutch: Two can play at that game.

The camera slowly moves a bit closer, and while Dutch is not in sight, his shadow can be seen on the grass of the hill.

Dutch: I must hide my identity to prevent those who I love from getting hurt. My family is not a fan of Mexican food.

The silhouette turns around and walks away, the shadow getting feinter and smaller which each step before the screen cuts to black.

Dalidus Nova
''We see Dalidus Nova, sitting on the floor in a library. He wears a string of sausages around his neck like a snake, munching slowly as he reads.''

Dalidus: Camerasluts still won't talk to me. Can't even do their jobs properly...

''He sets the book down, revealing the title "Sumo: A History". Holding the camera as if he were vlogging, Dalidus stands up and begins to walk between the library aisles.''

Dalidus: So, this is the big challenge. Heh, "big". The Young Cardinals against Cok Boy and Mason... uh... S..Slanders? Shitters! Mason Shitters! Two meaty men, picked by Paisner to try and make the Cardinals a non-issue. I see what he's planning: get two goliaths to kick our asses and keep us out of action for a while. The only problem with Paisner's plan was that he picked two greener-than-green oafs to try and accomplish it.

While walking the aisles, Dalidus begins to pull books off the shelves at random, each novel falling with a loud thump as it hits the floor.

Dalidus: I mean, come on. I kicked Sangre off a building, and Paisner thinks these two stumbling beanheads are going to stop me? Not to mention the fact that Alpha has beaten countless people in this company. He, like me, is a former Independent and Tag-Team champion. Hell, he even main evented Same Shit, Different Year!

???: Ahem.

Dalidus: So, how do I show Paisner the same disrespect he has shown me? Well, by giving him a taste of his own medicine. Unfortunately, Shitters and Cok Boy have to take one for Team Paisner. Those big-boy knees are always pretty vulnera -

???: AHEM!

Dalidus looks at the camera, seeing a middle-aged woman behind him in the viewfinder.

Dalidus: Who the hell are you? Get outta my shot!

???: I'm the librarian. Mind explaining why you're throwing books off the shelves, eating, and using such foul language in my library?

Dalidus: You mean Shitters and Cok Boy? Those are their names!

Librarian: "Cok Boy" is someones name?

Dalidus: He's Japanese, you xenophobe!

Librarian: And I don't care. Get out of my library before I call the police.

Dalidus: Ugh. Fine, prick. Miles! MILES!

Scurrying in from around the corner is Miles Alpha, arms full of very unusual comic books.

Dalidus: It's time to go. Wait, what are you -

Miles: I'll meet you in the car!

Fin.

Bok Choy
The following letter has been translated from Japanese into English

Dear Mama,

I pray this letter finds you well. I miss you very much! America is wonderful. I have met many new friends and eaten so many fresh vegetables! uwu

In response to your letter, yes I have been eating enough. That is especially thanks to what you most recently sent me. Thank you for all of the Kit Kats! America only has one or two flavors, I don’t know what’s taking them so long to catch up. Chocobanana was my favorite. Please send more! ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ

I won my first match in America! I didn’t get hurt, like I promised you. This week I team with Mason Saunders to wrestle Dalidus Nova and Miles Alpha. I have not spoken to Mason yet but he seems like a delightful man and I look forward to teaming up with him. He is a farmer, we should get along easily! ᕙ(`▿´)ᕗ

Dalidus and Miles, The Young Cardinals they are called, I hear not good things about them. They may try to take me down, they may try to hurt me, but they will run away in fear before they get the chance! They have never faced someone like me before! (ง︡'-'︠)ง

I promise you Mama, as I promise you before every match, that I will be safe and I will do my best. The WiR fans are great fans, and I will give them too my best effort. And I promise to have the back of my partner Mason Saunders. All of you - Mama, Mason, and the fans - can count on this big boy.

FaceTime me when you get this letter! (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥

Bok

Mason Saunders
''We open in a shitty dive bar. The bar we were in last time we saw Saunders. It’s still empty, aside from Saunders and the barkeep.''

Mason: ..And that’s why you never keep cows and horses together in the same pen.

Bartender: Fascinating stuff Mason. Now are you gonna pay me for your drinks or not?

Mason: I’ll pay ya I’ll pay ya. Don’t worry about it.

''Saunders digs in his pocket and pulls out both his wallet and his phone. He takes out a few crumpled bills and hands them to the barkeeper.''

Mason: I gotta get going. I got another tag match tomorrow with some guy named Bok Choy. Let me guess he’s some kind of japanese flippy dip-

''Saunders stops talking when he sees the photo management sent him of Bok Choy. Suddenly, Saunders is day dreaming about what he is going to do with Bok Choy. Power bombing fools, crushing others with giant body splashes, doing massive larrits together and even cooking giant meals for their giant bodies together.''

Bartender: Hey Mason, are you okay?

Saunders snaps out of his daze as the bartender talks to him.

Mason: Oh yeah. Oh yeah! This is gonna be great! This boy is thicker than the best ribeye around! We’re gonna be some big beefy men putting the hurt on some poor saps! Aw yeah I am ready for this!

''Saunders jumps off his stool and bolts out the door. He hops on his horse and stars galloping home so he can get ready for his match.''

Mason: This is gonna be fun. Real fun.

Ikbal Rizwan
Rizwan rubs his hands together and smiles, although he doesnt seem overjoyed, just confident

Rizwan: Hey, everyone, and Ramadaan mubarak to my brothers and sisters around the world. You know what's hard? Training without eating. But the sun's been down for a while, and I just ate like twelve halal platters, so I'm good.

He smirks a little

Rizwan: Okay, a QWF title defense with a QWF original! I'm a Josh Pine fan, who couldn't be honestly? Josh, you're a great guy. TONS of potential! Buuuut, there's one problem. Potential isn't kinetic, if you get me.

I think you got what it takes to be a champion one day. But I have that now. I got proof!

He lifts up his belt

Rizwan: This defense is going to make me a little sad. You see, it makes me think about QWF too much. Back in those days, I was thinking, you know who I want to see rise up to the top of this company? Well, one of the people I thought of was you! And then, it just couldn't be. You definitely didn't get your fair chance there, but then, none of us did!

But now, this isn't just about this specific title, is it? Nah, I know it's gonna be a time to show everyone in WiR just why we loved QWF in the first place. So, Josh, ready to blow their minds?

Josh Pine
''Josh Pine sits at the dinner table in his mothers house. The camera, probably an old iPod, sits far too low and thus captures him from an awkward angle.''

Pine: Uhm, hi! I'm Josh. Pine. Josh Pine. That's me. I heard I've got a championship match at House Party, for the...

Pine fumbles for a post-it note in his pocket.

Pine: The Q. W. F. championship. And my opponent...

Pine fumbles for another post-it note, in his other pocket.

Pine: Ick-ball Rise-won is a tough cookie. Now, I'm not sure if I'm gonna win, but... I'm gonna try!

He sits infront of the camera for a second, looking at someone off-screen.

Pine: Turn it off! No, mom, you have to turn it on and click the little button that - here, give it to me.

Fin.

Emmanuel Huang
In the distance, Emmanuel Huang does kung fu stances as the camera closes in on him, and when it gets close he turns towards it and begins to speak

Emmanuel: For lots of people, especially in the west, Shaolin Temple is a place of pure myth. Throughout history it was headed by legends like Zhi Shan, the invincible... Wu Mei, the woman monk who could balance on one finger and developed the original animal styles of martial arts... and Pai Mei, and the less said about him the better.

People say in Shaolin there are martial artists who have such control over their bodies that they can leap over buildings, pull tractors with their teeth, and make themselves immune to pain...

Well I'm here to say all the myths are true. I saw it with my own eyes. I went through that training, and I'm coming into my debut match the warrior I need to be. I respect all of the four other men in this fight, and they all have their own backgrounds to boast about, from being a top MMA fighter to a proven wrestler to an elite football player to a secret operative... but I have fire in my heart and shaolin style!

If we're fighting with bamboo swords, even better - I trained in the sword styles of kung fu, while all my opponents only train to fight unarmed. And everyone who says I'm punching above my weight is about to see what my punch really is!

Mercenaire
Fade in on a close-up of Mercenaire standing between two large punching bags.

How does one prepare for a match like this? Le chaos of five trained athletes, all trying and flying all over the place. Three men? Tough. Four men? Difficult. Five men? Impossible!

''He looks down at the floor and takes a deep breath. Epic music kicks in. Suddenly, he snaps his head back up.''

Nothing is impossible for Mercenaire!

''He takes a step back and the camera pans out, revealing two more punching bags. Suddenly, Mercenaire turns into a whirling dervish, delivering vicious punches and kicks, forearms and knees, the bags swinging wildly as he spins and strikes them over and over with lethal precision. He finishes with his Quatre combo, hitting the four bags in sequence. The music fades low and the camera cuts to a close-up as he breathes heavily, sweat gleaming.''

There is nothing I cannot train for. There is nothing I cannot overcome. Huang knows kung fu. His willpower is unmatched. Reese knows Judo - and every trick in the book. Wheeler has 5 black belts! Nobody has more technical skill than Wheeler. Ironblood is massive. He only needs to catch you once to turn your lights out. These are hommes dangereux.

One wrong step, one moment of distraction, and it is match over.

I do not take wrong steps. I do not get distracted. Nobody can stop my march to grandeur. Not one person, not four people. They will fall. I will stand victorious. There's only one way this can end.

Mercenaire hits the Remise on a nearby bag.

With four people laying there. Your winner, Mercenaire.

Mercenaire delivers a spinning roundhouse kick to the still swinging bag and stalks off as the camera and music fade out.

Hugo Ironblood
Hugo: Interesting match you booked me in, Paisner! Now I've never been much for Star Wars... that's the one with the li'l hobbit dude right...? But what I do like is BIG FIGHTS!

This looks to be one of the BIGGEST FIGHTS of all! You got five men, all of 'em gunning for each other! No man can trust another! I got a feeling some of these other punks will want an alliance with ME though! And if that happens, rest assured... I got your back... until it comes down to JUST THE TWO OF US! And then ol' Hugo's gonna have to do what he has to, to WIN THIS THING!

Now, I hear we'll be using kendo sticks this match, not normally my style either! But for now it's TOTALLY LEGAL! And you best believe I can learn to use one fast! After all, it's just a biiiig ol' stick for HITTIN HARD, right? And if there's one thing Hugo Ironblood can do it's HIT HARD! I proved that when I went blow for blow with Marshall Wheeler himself last week and BEAT HIS TEAM!

Emmanuel Huang and Mercenaire both hit hard too! I hear Huang specializes in fighting men my size! But he's never fought ME yet! He better hope his kung fu stands up against all this BEEF!

Mercenaire's for hire, huh? Well for now, looks like HE'S GOT NO CLIENT! And when I'm done with him, HE'LL BE TOO HURTIN' TO TAKE ANYBODY'S CALLS!

As for you, Andrew Reese... I DON'T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE! I think I may just SWAT YOU OUTTA THE SKY! 'Cause I don't like Star Wars much, but there's another movie I do like, and it's called KING KONG!

Marshal Wheeler
''[Once again, we find Marshal “The Mangler” Wheeler in his MMA Gym. This time he is sitting in a simple steel chair, hunched over.]''

“You know, they say it’s better to be lucky than to be good. Hugo Ironblood, that’s exactly what you are: One lucky son of a bitch. Yes, you’re lucky. Lucky that your partner was an even fatter piece of garbage than you are. Sure, once upon a time Bok Choy was a damn good sumo wrestler, but that man is no longer. You and I both know damn well that the “Big Boy” has gotten a whole lot bigger in recent times, and wasn’t that just so fortuitous when my good tag team partner Dustin Devlin needed to roll that gelatinous mass onto his back for the 3 count, he couldn’t do it. But don’t worry about that, y’see, me and my partner, we had a little talk after the match, and let’s just say Devlin is gonna be seeing nothing but iron for a little while.“

“But that’s neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is, Hugo Ironblood, you may be fat, but you aren’t fat enough for me. I proved that last Monday when you got taken for a ride that i’m sure you won’t be quick to forget. That’s why I find it so... serendipitous that you and I will meet so soon after our last encounter. You, me, and three other guys are gonna climb into that ring at the next House Party, and hokey ass gimmicks or not, I swear to god Hugo, I will continue giving you the damn ass whooping I started and-”

[Wheeler is interrupted by an incoming phone call]

“Hello? This better be damn important to interrupt me when... Yeah this is him, now what the hell do you want?”

[Wheeler listens to the caller in silence for a moment before turning back to the camera]

“Well, it seems an extremely... lucrative offer has come up, and as much as i’d love to keep dressing down my opponents this Monday well, I must say I love the almighty dollar more. So, for the rest of you:”

“See you soon.”

[Wheeler turns back away from the camera and returns to the phone call, and the scene fades to black.]